This week hasn’t been the easiest. Especially today.
With my depression and the way that the chemical imbalance is in my system, I often get way too caught up in my mind. My roommates have now figured out that if I stare at something or if I blankly stare, it’s gonna be a ruff day. I didn’t really even notice thats what happens when thoughts and feelings occur in my head. With the help and love of my roommates, they know that sometimes a wish is not always the best thing for me to be wanting.
Knowing that I have people around me that care isn’t always that simple, I don’t just accept the fact that people might care for me. For whatever reason, it takes time. It’s a lot harder to understand what it is people think about me and why they care about me, if they do.
The past couple of weeks I really have not wanted to get out of bed. Now…for almost everyone thats pretty much a normal feeling. However, for me its more than just “I don’t want to get out of bed” the subject that lies underneath that sentence for me, is “I don’t want anyone to see me today…I don’t want to interact, and I really don’t feeling like dealing with homework and having to focus on what teachers say. If people see me, they won’t be seeing me, they’ll be seeing a ghost….or a shadow because thats all I am to others..nothing, so why move?” As tough as it is to have these thoughts appear, I remember what my therapist tells me. I have to hold the thought long enough to just see if I can find where it is coming from. If It’s a dangerous thought, the same goes for that but with more eye. Over thinking is……pretty scary in my book. Sometimes when I pause on a scary thought, my mind gets running like never before. Options that i didn’t even know were possible begin to seem nice and easy. But their not and that’s not what I want to happen. If It ever gets to a point where I am just going to explode and I really really feel like I’m going to go do whatever that is… I pull my UKE out and I find the tune to go with my feelings and I calm myself down. I write it out. So for the past couple of days I’ve been writing it out with this song, on my Instagram and this is one of the many ways that I cope with this on a day to day basis. “Wishing” Is a song about my depression, however there are many more of which I have written about my life. I have written one about my adoption, and one about my struggles in school education wise. There’s many.
Music really helps me to get it out. Accepting the, is the hardest part though. This is part of the reason I started this blog. This is a sep I decided to take into the deep end, and create something that maybe other people can relate too and get help from. So if you’re in a situation like mine, use those coping mechanisms. Playing an instrument helps a lot, or dancing through the pain really helps also. So I hope that this blog will give hope….inspiration……and love…. which Is why that is the websites name. Grateful for the music that is in our lives and I hope you all create a song that helps you out personally.
(which you can go watch @musical_mikah18 )