Music is why I still live on this earth and music is what keeps me alive and helps me to fight all of my battles today. On July 28th, 2016 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I always knew that I had this but I never told anyone. I thought I could hold it in, and that the thoughts that were occurring in my mind were just thoughts that eventually would go away overtime, however they continued for a very long time. I never thought I would have my own “breaking point” but I did. One night I just couldn’t take it, my mind was racing and so was my heart. I didn’t feel like anyone cared about me and all I wanted to was leave this earth and go home to my heavenly father.
Being LDS and raised in the church I knew that many of these thoughts were coming from Lucifer. I was letting him have 100% control of me and I didn’t know how to gain back my confidence. It was as if there was no one to hear me and that I couldn’t get out of my head. I felt tired all of the time and I would sleep a large portion of my days and hardly any of my nights. At day I was so exhausted from trying to fight my mind at night that I finally couldn’t take it so I would sleep my pain away in the day as much as possible. Listening to the cars outside didn’t help me at all, thee first moment that I stared at a knife and thought my life was pointless was the moment I knew I needed help. I scared myself and from there on out I tried to gain the confidence that this was something important enough to tell my parents and to get help from them and from a doctor. It took me over a year and a half to get the confidence to tell them that I wanted it to all be over and that I wanted to go home and that I didn’t want to be here. It took trust in the Lord and trust in my parents that they would understand how I was feeling. I broke down, I couldn’t take crying in my room alone almost overnight and I was finished hiding my problems.
I remembered a lesson that I had learned my Junior year of high school. I was highly involved in theatre and loved being apart of Hillcrest High Schools big November musical. We preformed the production of “In the Heights” by: Lin Manuel Miranda, I was Camila, the mother of the musical. My character sang a song that influenced me and being able to portray that role will always have an effect on me. I don’t think I would have told my parents what was going on in my life without remembering the lessons that I learned from that role and it’s music. So I am extremely thankful for all of that directors that helped me and without the assignments I was given to complete on that musical, I would not have had the courage like Nina gained, to state her problem when she came home. So thank you to them. And I am very happy that I told my parents everything and was able to open up to them about this. I will never regret my decision to accept my problems and know that its okay to go and get help and the sometimes we need to make that step. My challenge to you is to make that step.
When and if you ever feel that you need to give up and be done. Remember that the show must go on and remember that what ever is going on in your own personal life, that if you need a hand, that it’s okay to go and ask for that help. There are somethings in this world that we can not do alone. For me it is depression and my anxiety, I can not deal with that alone anymore and I finally came to accept that fact that….it’s okay to not be okay, and its okay to tell someone you love and trust that you are not okay because you will gain knowledge and help from that, even if you just need to talk to someone about something. You can do that.
A song that goes along with this is “The show must go on” by Queen, heres a link to Celine Dion doing my favorite version as she inspires not only me, but thousands of others through queens song to go and continue their own show. Because it must go on. And we can continue even if we think we have to do it by ourselves we don’t.